Friday, May 22, 2015

Joy follows struggle.

So two things:

First, my daughter has a phrase that she likes to say when she is fully successful at something she's attempted or when she's completed a task, etc. That phrase is "Boom Shakalaka".

I don't know what it means but it seems to give her a sense of victory or the victory procedes it and that's how she exclaims, expresses, verbalizes that. At any rate it's what she says and it always makes me feel joy when I see the look on her face of satisfaction and victory and utters that phrase.
.
Secondly, I find myself feeling melancholy, more introspective than usual, perhaps just having a... well, at one point I guess I would have called it a "low day" but I feel that would be a misnomer at this point.
Because I find myself.... allowing the feeling and being present in it because were it not for days like this, I would have no comparison or contrast for days where the joy is unmistakable and easily identifiable.

So while today is a physical struggle -- due to nagging a headache and really feeling the sinus blockage and sore this and sore that like every other day, although especially so today -- I still choose to embrace the struggle,  because I recognize that my "low points" only magnify the high points that most assuredly will appear.
I embrace the struggle so that I might be open to and aware of and seeing to embrace the joy.

Well, I guess actually three things: because I also observe, that while I relish the sunshine and finding peace and gentle  tranquility in my day,  having a hippie lawn mower really does mean you have to mow your lawn every couple of days to stay on top of it and not be "that neighbour ", so hooray for sore knees? Lol

Friday, March 20, 2015

The Struggle Is Real ( And admitting it is okay and even cathartic)

I am struggling.
I'm struggling with stress from finances.
I'm struggling with using old, familiar, unhealthy (mainly dietary) (destructive) coping tactics (junk food binging) in the face of increased, ongoing, uncontrollable stress.
I'm struggling with moving forward. 
Life is in limbo for up to the next year. 
Not being able to make plans for the future cripples me with fear.
With all the work I've put in on undoing bad habits, creating a positive inner voice, I'm paralyzed by fear of the unknown and unable to keep working on reversing and surpassing.
I am struggling and even admitting it is dangerous because there are those who will read this and try to use it against me.
But I have to admit it. 
I must speak it. 
Because in past, I haven't and it's made it worse. 
I don't need sympathy or pity. 
I don't need placating comments, or cliches, or well meaning platitudes.
I just need to be able to say, out loud, standing firmly in my fear,  that 
I
Am
Struggling.

It will pass. 
It always does. 
I'll survive, as we do, because we always do.
I'll never choose to give up. 
It will never be more than I can bear.
But for now......

I struggle.