Unintended

I had never intended for this to become a place to lament about my life, but sometimes you've just gotta let things out. (Angel - Sarah McLachlan)

The last few weeks, I've been down in the dumps, if you hadn't garnered that from the previous post and about 10 minutes ago, lyrics from the song advertised on your left, popped into my head. On a side note: I'm a HARDCORE lover of Sarah McLachlan. She is a Canadian treasure, sans doute!

Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There’s always one reason
To feel not good enough
And it’s hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
                                   Oh beautiful release
                                   Memory seeps from my veins
                                   Let me be empty
                                   And weightless and maybe
                                   I’ll find some peace tonight





Now, initially it was just the highlighted stanzas that came to me, but singing the song in my head some more made me realize that, really, it was all a pretty succinct description to how I'm feeling, especially today. 


What makes this so hard is that, even though I've tried exceedingly hard not to, I've found myself examining things more closely and realize that once again, I've only myself to blame.  I am the one who's allowed the things stressing me out to get so out of hand.  I'm an enabler.  I may seem like a person who just shoots off at the mouth, but really, I do try to avoid conflict and disappointing people as much as I can.  I'm only a mouthy bitch if you're inconsequential to my life.  Then look out.  Mwah hahahaha.  Kidding.  Now, this is not to say that I'm not one to love a good debate and controversial banter, but not something that would really hurt or upset someone, or myself.  


I know that right now I'm at a crossroad on this path and I have to make a choice.  I don't want to.  I want to go to bed and when I wake up, for things to be as they should be in order to go along in a happy existence.  This is CLEARLY not going to happen.  I've been waiting and I'm pretty sure that I'm not living in the movie 'Groundhog Day', just sayin'.  The reason I'm avoiding this so diligently, is because I don't want to have to do it.  I don't want to have to really face the fact that there isn't 'enough' I can do to make someone change, I can only step aside so I don't get caught up in the mess with them.  It is going to hurt me and B and it's going to really suck.  I feel like she's been through enough in her short little life already and I don't want to add any more strife to that.  I know she is a kid and she's resilient and all that shit, but she already has one parent making shit choices on her behalf and I hold myself to a higher standard with my parenting and myself.  I am CERTAIN that the pain is magnifying the situation (and all situations really, how can I be totally objective when my body is in total revolt?) but it really feels like shit or get off the pot time.  Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.


Please think of me while I try to get through this transition and will me the strength to make the choice that inevitably must be made.


And so it goes:


"You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.
Some windows are lighted.  But mostly they're darked.
A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin!
Do you dare to stay out?  Do you dare to go in?
How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And IF you go in, should you turn left or right...
or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite?
Or go around back and sneak in from behind?
Simple it's not, I'm afraid you will find,
for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind."  Dr Seuss

Cheers,

CM

Oh The Places You'll Go

Oh

     The link above is the 'lyrics' to a brilliantly written Dr Seuss classic, which has brought inspiration to me at low points in my life. Does this make Dr Seuss my 'Jesus'? LOL! If I could compile my bible-equivalent (we're agnostic here) this would be a chapter in it for sure. I may start to look for other pieces now that I think of it. But that's for another time. Whew! That was a close one! I SO almost chased that squirrel!

So, I suffer from what is believed, to be but not formally diagnosed by a specialist (SERIOUSLY don't be dying! It takes 18 mos to get in to see a rheumatologist and that's once you get an appointment. Referral went in in the fall. Still no appointment but not before 2012, they say!) Fibromyalgia.  There are a great many theories behind this illness.  I will tell you that it IS real, regardless of what your triggers were in your life for your body to react this way, it is debilitating and depressing. Mine was not bothering me from mid-November until about 3 weeks ago.  It's getting me down in the mouth, to say the least.  Hence this book has popped into my head, because it tends to put things back into perspective for me.  There are other mildly shitty things going on too, so I'm thinking the stress level and the weather and the pain are starting to conjure up these feelings of defeat.  I believe this is what Mister Lahey would call a 'shitstorm' brewing.
     I could TOTALLY go off on a tangent here, but I will resist! Let it be known that I HEART TPB!  A totally awesome show and Julian is ALSO HAWT!  That is all.

     Where was I? Oh yes, Dr Seuss.  So, right now I'm in two of the places described in that poignant, rhyming children's lit.  I'm in the Slump and the Waiting Place.  I am trying so hard to get out of that waiting place and have plans set to return to school in order to rejoin the workplace in something that I will enjoy AND be conducive to parenting.  Now that my body is threatening to stage a revolt when the time to get organized and enrolled is coming upon me.  I have to pretty much hope it's subsided by the time school starts or I'm going to be USELESS 50 % of the time.  I am a control freak a lil bit too... so this really is driving me mad.
     I have NO idea where I was going with this now... maybe I was just venting because I have ovaries and that's what I needed to do... perhaps I'll add to it later... but the burning in my shoulders and neck from sitting here and typing this is distracting me to the point where I just have to stop.

I leave you all with this,

"Step with care and great tact
and remember that Life's
a Great Balancing Act.
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)

KID, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!"

G'nite folks!

CM

FB survey part 2 which is now renamed 'Trust?!?"

If you read the post from earlier today, this post will make total sense.  If you don't, then you'll be as a mushroom, which is to say, in the dark.

I've done some 'canvassing' about my moral dilemma and here's what the feed back has been thus far:


so apparently they've been together for over a year... pretty committed in my books...

I have also gotten advice from 'Boy Wonder' who told me it is 'none of your fucking business and don't go causing shit'

I consulted a couple other ppl who think I should see if I can get some sort of a feel for the stability of the relationship by engaging her in some sort of dialogue and depending on that answer to go to him via the site and let him know his jig is up and to knock it off.

It may seem to some that I'm just being a meddling bitch, but really, I have NOTHING to gain in this, rather something to lose.
The reason I am worried is that with infidelity comes many risks, the most IMPORTANT and immediate is the potential to spread sexually communicable infections and others that cannot be gotten rid of also.  I don't think that is okay.  She is a girl who has not had any children yet and being exposed to things like chlamydia, where the symptoms are often silent and, if left untreated, could morph into Pelvic Inflammatory Disease and render her sterile. Basically, your inner lady parts get severely infected resulting in scar tissue, thus difficult to get pregnant. Isn't that nice for you man to give you in return from a rendez-vous with anonymous, dating site pussy that is dirty.
http://www.cdc.gov/std/pid/stdfact-pid.htm

This may seem extreme, but sex is risky business and if someone is keeping their end of the deal in the fidelity department then the other persons dirty dealings are just cruel and disgusting.  Totally unacceptable for taking someone's health in your hands without their consent. Not to mention the emotional ramifications of an unscrupulous partner.
This has become something that has become an issue to me in the last 5 yrs. Previously to that I've had my share of early 20s dating when I was more of an opportunist and saw my partners more as idiots who had something that I benefited from, even if only by simply having a ton of fun with them (at their cost, now that I'm a grown up, that's sounding a LOT like being an escort who isn't getting paid, with a dysfunctional relationship tossed in for excitement. WOW, I was HORRIBLE! EEK!) and I called them 'essential components' which made ppl laugh to my face. while probably privately thinking I was some cold, calloused, man-eating slut.... awesome... and the more I type the worse I sound... I could TOTALLY justify it at the time, though. Being in your early 20s, I'm pretty sure that you get to claim ignorance. That's my story and I'm stickin' to it.

I think that is enough for now... I may or may not be feeling like I've given too much away for one night.

CM

FB survey

Have NO idea what this is about, but I thought that the title seemed poignant given what's to follow.

So I've come to the conclusion that people CANNOT be trusted. There is NOT a single person I 100% trust. There are several people who I trust with various things, but I am a lifetime subscriber to 'Don't put all your eggs in one basket'. You SHOULD be able to trust the people closest to you with ANYTHING and never have to tell them 'Don't tell anyone' but we all tell them that anyway. What should be happening is that we should all be able to discern what is okay to tell (funny anecdotal tales to lift others moods.  Also, we love to commiserate and that is something shared with parties who have the same issues with the same person. It's not gossip and has no malicious intent, but sometimes we gotta let some things go or we WILL explode).  

I tend to be a person who tells things that are troubling me when I want to do something about a situation that I feel strongly about but won't because I recognise that there are certain boundaries you just can't cross.  I'm not sure when I developed such a strong conscience, but I'd enjoy it being less in my face all the damn time.  

When you've discussed things with someone and they then turn around and commit a discussion related offence it tells me a few things:

1) You weren't listening to what I said

2) You did listen, but either disagree and are just enough of an asshole to blatantly hurt/upset/disappoint me anyway

3) You most likely don't respect yourself (yes, disrespect for oneself can manifest itself in the form of selfish outlashings, which MAY appear to be a superiority complex, but really, is just low self esteem in a different pair of shoes)

4) Your inability to respect yourself is resulting in the inability to respect me. 

I claim to be a person who respects herself, but if I really look at it, I don't. Not totally. I am forever putting up with bad behaviour out of others and saying nothing about it. Makes me wonder how many people feel like I'm a douche and don't tell me about it. Seriously people, tell me. PLEASE! I don't want to be an un-evolved troll so please, help me be a better person. I will do my best to do the same. Please use tact and love. Thanks.

there's a second volume apparently.

So, now on to the question period, where by answers would be greatly appreciated.

If you find out that a long-time acquaintance's other half is on a dating site (not that I am on the site, but I've heard from a close friend who IS and it's someone we mutually know and my 'source' was unaware that this person was in a relationship), do I tell my acquaintance of their partner's unbecoming conduct or just keep my mouth shut? 

If it was me, I'd want to know. I am not a fan of infidelity. We're not in out early 20s any more and we should have grown up enough to just get out without being a total douche to the other people. Dignity and respect, people: these concepts are not passée, it's called being a decent person. 

So this is where you tell me what I should do. All responses are welcome. Thanks.

CM

ps, after posting this I realized that I had not tied the title in with the post, thus making NO sense. I had to come back and edit.

The reason that this rant/moral dilemma has come to light is because of a one question survey on Facebook
Q. What is the most important thing in a relationship
A. trust
B. sex
C. Communication

while sex and communication are in my top 3, trust, for me takes the #1 spot on my hierarchy of relationship needs. hmmmmmm... not going to touch that one. Too much having to look at myself and frankly, I'm not in the mood. I spend enough time doing that and would like a day off. See about statement about my over active conscience. The spelling of that word speaks VOLUMES to me!
The end.
CM

YouTube - Al Green-Lets Stay Together

YouTube - Al Green-Lets Stay Together

So I'm sitting here at my pc, just 'youtube'ing songs as they pop into my head and I've noticed a pattern with what I've searched so far: NOTHING I've looked up has been written or recorded since about 2005. Why is that? Because they just don't make music like they used to and frankly, musical talent, isn't really required any more. Since the 'dawn' of 'autotune' no one really has to sound like much of anything. You can auto tune farts ffs! Sad, I know. Artists of the last 5 yrs especially, are more a result of clever marketing and good PR and publicists than actual talent.

I could go off on a rant but frankly, I think that the music speaks for itself. Makes me die a little inside every time I hear the shit being played and someone actually thinks its good stuff. No, it's not. It's noise manufactured into music by technology.

That is all I will say on the subject, because once I get truly started, I will never be able to stop and I'm sure you've all got better things to do.

Peace and love!

YouTube - masculout

YouTube - masculout

This is TOTALLY vulgar, so that's why I'm blogging about it.

I just 'pirated' this from a FB friend of mine and I found it to be especially funny.

While this commercial is clearly made in jest, there is some truth to it. I am a person who tries not to contribute to things that have to be thrown away, so I'm one to use washcloths for the tidy up after intimacy (ya, maybe DON'T use a washcloth at my house. They get laundered, but if that would still bother you, err on the side of caution) rather than tissues or wet wipes. Not only does a cloth not have to be thrown away, but a dry tissue will not get the job really done, wet tissues disintegrate and wet wipes are cold, and I'm told are not very post-coitus friendly on a man's bits and pieces. That being said, I do end up replacing my washcloths fairly regularly because protein stains ARE real. I only use brightly coloured cloths because white ones are an effort in laundry futility!

If there was such a thing as 'Mascul-out' I would certainly be a purchaser. Sex is messy, no matter how you slice it. Would be nice if there was a way to destroy all evidence of this. Goo stained sheets are not nice and if you're a person who enjoys a high thread count, you'd better do it on the floor, or have the money to feed your habit.

SOMEONE invent a product like the one here... It'll sell, I promise!

That's all I have to say about that.

YouTube - Community Stop Motion End Song - That's What Christmas is For

YouTube - Community Stop Motion End Song - That's What Christmas is For

SO I have recently discovered, thanks to my beloved cousin, that I LOVE the sitcom 'Community'. I love this show for SO many reasons. It's intelligently hilarious but dumb people will also think it's funny. That's right folks, a li'l somethin' fer e'rybody. LOVES IT!!!

Since my last posts were around xmas and I just saw this episode as I'm playing catch up (the show's in it's 3rd season! WTF have I been?!?) to get to current episodes, this hit me as something that I felt I should blog about.

I've been a person who's struggled with 'faith' since I was about 16 (almost 29... 3 weeks... just sayin') and to struggle, for me, meant to vacillate between TOTALLY believing and TOTALLY thinking it's utter nonsense. I equate my battle with a deep need to 'fit in' and 'win over' one particularly paramount person in my life, as I'd done (and will surely continue to do, although hopefully less frequently) repeated things to lose that person's faith in me, because I made choices that they knew were bad for me. Faith is something that means a great deal to this person and I thought that I'd somehow right wrongs by just believing for them. I can't. I simply don't.

I've been on the nonsense side of the path for a while now and this past xmas I was really asking myself, 'why do I celebrate xmas and carry on a tradition with my child that is partially based on something I don't believe in?'

I don't think less of people who have belief in some sort of higher being/power. I am just not one of those subscribers. I say 'Merry Christmas' because I live in a nation that was 'founded' (I know, you Natives had it first. You know what I mean, don't crucify me! ;) ) by people with Christian beliefs. I believe in the traditions brought about because of the collaboration of a Christian of Christmas and that of the Solstice: Getting together with the ones you love, breaking break with them, imbibing in some drink and just LOVING one another, openly and forsaking all bygones and recognizing them as such. A season to be extra kind and generous in ways that you can afford. Good will to men (and women, child, beast {except the ones we be eatin'} etc) and all that.

This episode is worth watching. Yes, that means you SHOULD google!

This song resonates with me because it's how I think that Christmas is too. I'm glad to carry forth some of the traditions I've had growing up, adding those of my partner and creating new ones with my daughter. So in a ditch effort at 'better late than never', Merry Christmas folks.

Sorry for my negligence

So it's been a LONG time since I've written ANYTHING so I figured that today was the day.
There is WAY to much to do a total recap, but basically, the bowflex fell through because ppl are douche bags and are dishonest as the day is long.
Xmas was great and except for one tiny hiccup with my baby daddy being a douche, was perfect. My friends and family are fantastic and getting to know more about Boy Wonder's family was also very nice. They are all the NICEST ppl. I kid you not, we felt so welcome and loved by his Maternal family that I didn't want to ever leave.

Boy Wonder and I are still doing well, going through a bit of a financial ditch, but we'll come out on top as I am a  Finance Nazi. I should really be a Budget Bitch and whip ppls finances into shape. I'd be really good at it. I can pinch a nickel til the beaver shits TWICE! LOL

My kidlet is now 3 (as of last Thursday) and as cute as ever. Mouthy and defiant but I keep getting told that comes with the territory. Is it just me, or do kids nowadays (ya, I'm almost 29, geezer that I am) have NO respect for authority or WHAT?  This kid has beaten me at my own game SO many times. I keep having to revamp my discipline strategies. She's a clever little shit, that one!

I've just painted my place after signing on for another year term. Couldn't do the 'jail house white' any more and I STRONGLY feel that matte paint is only for places you never intend to see or have touched as cleaning them is IMPOSSIBLE if you want paint to be left on the walls after you're though. Semigloss for the win!
It was a quick job, as I love to paint. Livingroom, kitchen, hallway and entry took me about 18 hrs and only 3 gallons of paint, which was on sale for a steal @ Wal-mart, which I usually try NOT to shop at.

Going back to school in Sept for hairdressing and esthetics and Kidlet will be going into daycare. This was a HUGE decision for me to make, but I think it will be best for everyone. Kidlet needs the social aspect of life, since she has learned everything she needs to know to go into SK but is in dire need of peer time. I need to get outta the house and get back into some sort of routine that will garner a better income than social assistance provides.

I don't really know what else to say right now. Just thought I'd bang something out before I go do load 3 of hopefully 4 or 5 (all) of my laundry.
ttfn

Welcome to AddThis for Chrome!

Welcome to AddThis for Chrome!

I love this. I love anything that makes sharing interesting stuff easier... actual blog entry coming very soon!