Unintended

I had never intended for this to become a place to lament about my life, but sometimes you've just gotta let things out. (Angel - Sarah McLachlan)

The last few weeks, I've been down in the dumps, if you hadn't garnered that from the previous post and about 10 minutes ago, lyrics from the song advertised on your left, popped into my head. On a side note: I'm a HARDCORE lover of Sarah McLachlan. She is a Canadian treasure, sans doute!

Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There’s always one reason
To feel not good enough
And it’s hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
                                   Oh beautiful release
                                   Memory seeps from my veins
                                   Let me be empty
                                   And weightless and maybe
                                   I’ll find some peace tonight





Now, initially it was just the highlighted stanzas that came to me, but singing the song in my head some more made me realize that, really, it was all a pretty succinct description to how I'm feeling, especially today. 


What makes this so hard is that, even though I've tried exceedingly hard not to, I've found myself examining things more closely and realize that once again, I've only myself to blame.  I am the one who's allowed the things stressing me out to get so out of hand.  I'm an enabler.  I may seem like a person who just shoots off at the mouth, but really, I do try to avoid conflict and disappointing people as much as I can.  I'm only a mouthy bitch if you're inconsequential to my life.  Then look out.  Mwah hahahaha.  Kidding.  Now, this is not to say that I'm not one to love a good debate and controversial banter, but not something that would really hurt or upset someone, or myself.  


I know that right now I'm at a crossroad on this path and I have to make a choice.  I don't want to.  I want to go to bed and when I wake up, for things to be as they should be in order to go along in a happy existence.  This is CLEARLY not going to happen.  I've been waiting and I'm pretty sure that I'm not living in the movie 'Groundhog Day', just sayin'.  The reason I'm avoiding this so diligently, is because I don't want to have to do it.  I don't want to have to really face the fact that there isn't 'enough' I can do to make someone change, I can only step aside so I don't get caught up in the mess with them.  It is going to hurt me and B and it's going to really suck.  I feel like she's been through enough in her short little life already and I don't want to add any more strife to that.  I know she is a kid and she's resilient and all that shit, but she already has one parent making shit choices on her behalf and I hold myself to a higher standard with my parenting and myself.  I am CERTAIN that the pain is magnifying the situation (and all situations really, how can I be totally objective when my body is in total revolt?) but it really feels like shit or get off the pot time.  Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.


Please think of me while I try to get through this transition and will me the strength to make the choice that inevitably must be made.


And so it goes:


"You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.
Some windows are lighted.  But mostly they're darked.
A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin!
Do you dare to stay out?  Do you dare to go in?
How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And IF you go in, should you turn left or right...
or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite?
Or go around back and sneak in from behind?
Simple it's not, I'm afraid you will find,
for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind."  Dr Seuss

Cheers,

CM